I have been struggling lately with the fact that I am getting older. The frivolity and freedom of youth is gone, and I am well into the adulthood of responsibility and obligation. This has lead to me thinking about death, and that one day I will no longer exist.

It’s not a pleasant thought, though it is truth and it is what happens to everyone. I can definitely become too focused on it and be crippled by fear/depression (it’s hard at times to identify which), particularly when my mind struggles at what the ‘meaning’ of it all is.

The meaning of it all is, really, to live, to enjoy life, and experience joy from anything and everything you can while you are here. To give joy to others, and allow them to give it back to you – to share joy together, and make lives better.

I have struggled with the above because I have been:

  1. Selfish and lazy
  2. Egocentric
  3. Self-absorbed
  4. More outwardly introverted in behavior than I truly am inside.

I have resolved to work on these – to wear down the selfishness and laziness and self-absorbtion; to stop at moments of egocentrism and take the time to look at what others want or need; to be more friendly, and warm, and to build better friendships, with more give-and-take and much less take-take-take.

I’ve started this morning by emulating a colleague, and when I got to the office I took the time to walk around and say good morning and smile at everyone. It felt really good. REALLY good, so much so that I am smiling thinking about it.

This, also – writing this post – is another change I am working on. I used to write often and write much, but that habit has been stagnant and aging for far too long, particularly with how much I enjoyed writing in my teens and twenties. If I am ever to succeed and writing the stories I have, to put words to the page from all the ideas in my head, to hopefully bring joy to others with my words, it starts here – in bits and pieces, daily, putting thoughts into text and eliminating the fear of my own words not matching my ideas.